A hunk, a monk, or a chunk. No matter the destination, those are the three varieties of an accompanying male spouse when they join their partner on a diplomatic posting. At least that’s what the veteran female accompanying spouse told me as we flipped through our phones in the waiting room of a federal government building on Queen Street in Ottawa, preparing for travel vaccines.
There is something to be said about being painted with a broad brush in a doctor’s waiting room by someone you just met, but I suppose my decidedly average demeanor puts people at ease. Years of being married taught me not to ask her what the three varieties of a female accompanying spouse are. Nevertheless, I left that building with both a bruised arm and a bruised ego. Certainly, this cautionary rhyme wasn’t meant to be cruel or dismissive about the contribution I was making to my family’s nascent upheaval, but still it felt glib and missing the gravitas of my life’s new journey.
It turns out she was right. It’s been two and half years since we arrived in Jamaica and as I look back, I have been each of these things. As a vain man (every man is, at least by degrees) going full hunk was the character who seemed most acceptable from that waiting room maxim. Newly retired, with lots of time on my hands, the small but sufficiently appointed weight room at the Canadian High Commission was a great place to spend a couple of hours each morning. I attacked those weights like I should have in my twenties, and alas in my forties paid the price. Somehow that one gym post I made on social media didn’t galvanize my will to overcome a bad back and post-surgery knees. Hunk achieved (kind of).
With my back having made the decision to stop working out for me, I settled into a slightly more sedentary life. One complemented by the kind of eating one does when you’re working out, a lot. The weight began to creep on, and slowly after a few months, the chunk settled in. Not the kind of delightful way that one opens the door when presented with the truffle shuffle, but the kind of middle – aged heft that one uses as an excuse to buy a car; you can only drive for two months a year. Chunk achieved (with ease).
During all of this, it became clear to me that if you don’t have an office to go to when you’re a middle-aged man, it becomes very hard to socialize. People want to meet up, but commitments get in the way. If you’re a parent, doubly so. The office forces you to interact, and make like-minded connections. Those aren’t easy things to do when you don’t have an inducement to bother trying. And so, I slowly became cloistered. Monk achieved (Enigma album included).
Enough time has now passed that I’m considerably more comfortable in my new life. Being able to start working out again was a huge boost, not just to my dopamine levels but also for my ability to simply get around. I have yet to reach hunk level, but I suppose that’s subjective…as is chunk level for that matter. The monk aspect is certainly the trickiest and dependent on others. However, if you put yourself out there eventually you can foster new friendships. As a guy they’ll never be the same as the ones you built over twenty years, but why move to a new place if you’re not looking to engage with a new perspective? It’s the initial groundwork that’s tough, but the payoff can be that much better.
As a forty – something man, when you pack up your old life for a new one where you don’t have a job or really a plan other than being there to support your family you will likely become a hunk, a chunk, or a monk, but chances are you’ll be a bit of each.
At 40, Andrew Elliott packed up his old life as a radio morning man to start a new chapter abroad—without a job, a clear plan, or expectations beyond supporting his family. He quickly learned that life as a diplomatic spouse isn’t all glamor. Somewhere between becoming a hunk, a chunk, or a monk, he found the humor, challenges, and unexpected growth in a role that often goes unspoken.
- Breaking the Non-Person Shell
- Have Passport: We’ll Travel
- Ex Pat Expectations
- CDFN book of the month : Living Abroad
- What GAC’s Ombud Office can do for you
- Guide to Nurturing Relationships from Afar
- A Moving Experience
- Driving abroad: Tips, tricks and risks
- Goers, Stayers, and Newbies
- Bring your meds, leave the assumptions
